Saturday, September 8, 2012

My relationship with god...

I'm not religious or zen-like. On the contrary, I can be extremely difficult and cranky sometimes.Nevertheless, I've made friends with god and we're good together these days.
There was a time when I questioned too much in our friendship; complained, whined and sulked all the time. There was this perpetual discontentment between us and like a rebuked lover, I think- he abandoned me. I haven't ever felt lonelier in my life. Never.

That was when I turned to books, people,TV and movies to find solace.It was that time when disillusioned and lost, I sat with myself, to find what the hell was bothering me. Was it over-expectations? Was it putting on weight?Was it fighting too much with my family and friends? Was it being in the wrong job?What the hell was it?

And I figured, the answer was simple- my only problem was with myself. The whole struggle of constantly trying to justify my wishes, choices, likes, dislikes and actions was my problem. My lack of faith in my feelings was my problem.I figured my closest relationship was with this unknown power-and I didn't have enough faith in its light- a light I kept trying to diminish- because it was opinions and experiences of other people that mattered more to me than my own.
This man/woman/force/power/whatever/whoever was the only answer to my questions and it was right there- inside me- asking me to first accept myself-without complaints-with my flaws, tantrums and drama. I realized how harsh I was to my own likes and wishes, how cruel was I to constantly justify my need to feel a certain way,do certain things, live a certain way and be reasonable all the time.
I realized how unfair I was to my closest companion- zillion times more powerful than me and yet holding my hand,silently,asking me to just be myself-nothing more. He walked away every time I tried to be somebody I wasn't, faking a side of me-in my over-enthusiastic endeavor to reach on top of Maslows hierarchy before time. (Eyerolls)

Anyway- I decided to experiment and accept all my emotions without questions. Even the weird/uncomfortable one's-you know?

Ummm...That was when-I think-he chose to take me back and hasn't left my side ever since. Its like finding the sun-kissed road to Elysium, where days just keep getting better and dreams just keep growing bigger. I haven't ever felt more at peace with myself and my flaws. My life, the most ordinary one, MY OWN LITTLE LIFE, has never made more sense.

I still have my share of troubles. But now I know its never between me and anyone else, its always between me and him.

Metaphysically, he keeps showing every now and then, in the form of the music I like, the people I adore, the one's who inspire, financial security, the house I live in, the help I get and the very random force that keeps my spirits uplifted.The closest I can get to him/her in flesh and bones is maybe the way I want to see myself and then experience it manifest, followed by Mom-Dad's presence, followed by ermmm....at the risk of sounding ewww-inducing corny and cheesy-Mr.Rights presence.

My relationship with god- Is one of gratitude, for just making me feel, the way I do..

Monday, September 3, 2012

And just like them old stars.....

I rebel, fight and make-up with my parents tad too often. I talk about freedom a bit too often. I talk about individuality a bit too often. I talk- too much- too often. Maybe we all do- at some point in time.

I shuddered reading this article today which may be extreme but nevertheless, touched me deeply.

For families like ours, where parents are sophisticated and learned, being embarrassed of them cannot be an issue.But we have other issues.Our issues are a perpetual conflict of ideas and philosophies,our impatience and recklessness,coldness and indifference.

I've lost count of the number of occasions where I’ve rebelled like a stupid teenager. I don't know if its justified or not. Maybe it is. Maybe its not. Maybe.

What I know- is the fact- that all of me- is a zero without their support. I can get away easily being a brat because I know I can run back and hide behind Dad in trouble, because Mommy’s arms are a cry away, because my troubles are not troubles really. They are just threats that can be taken care of - by my wall, my rock, my strength.

Isn't it the same for most of us? We get away easily with our eccentricities because we're sure that our parachute would open up to save us if we fall off the cliff. It would save us-come what may.

I have no clue what makes me write this disconnected piece.

Maybe the fact that I derive the courage to write from them.

How does it feel to hear a song where the lyrics look like they’re meant for you? Where the words are not a reflection of what you want to say but an echo of what’s being done for you- without your realizing or recognizing it. Things Mom-Dad never said but somehow floated into the universe beautifully through this song, making more sense than any song ever before,

“When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up…

-Jason Mraz

To my rock, my wall, my strength

Because I love you