Saturday, September 8, 2012

My relationship with god...

I'm not religious or zen-like. On the contrary, I can be extremely difficult and cranky sometimes.Nevertheless, I've made friends with god and we're good together these days.
There was a time when I questioned too much in our friendship; complained, whined and sulked all the time. There was this perpetual discontentment between us and like a rebuked lover, I think- he abandoned me. I haven't ever felt lonelier in my life. Never.

That was when I turned to books, people,TV and movies to find solace.It was that time when disillusioned and lost, I sat with myself, to find what the hell was bothering me. Was it over-expectations? Was it putting on weight?Was it fighting too much with my family and friends? Was it being in the wrong job?What the hell was it?

And I figured, the answer was simple- my only problem was with myself. The whole struggle of constantly trying to justify my wishes, choices, likes, dislikes and actions was my problem. My lack of faith in my feelings was my problem.I figured my closest relationship was with this unknown power-and I didn't have enough faith in its light- a light I kept trying to diminish- because it was opinions and experiences of other people that mattered more to me than my own.
This man/woman/force/power/whatever/whoever was the only answer to my questions and it was right there- inside me- asking me to first accept myself-without complaints-with my flaws, tantrums and drama. I realized how harsh I was to my own likes and wishes, how cruel was I to constantly justify my need to feel a certain way,do certain things, live a certain way and be reasonable all the time.
I realized how unfair I was to my closest companion- zillion times more powerful than me and yet holding my hand,silently,asking me to just be myself-nothing more. He walked away every time I tried to be somebody I wasn't, faking a side of me-in my over-enthusiastic endeavor to reach on top of Maslows hierarchy before time. (Eyerolls)

Anyway- I decided to experiment and accept all my emotions without questions. Even the weird/uncomfortable one's-you know?

Ummm...That was when-I think-he chose to take me back and hasn't left my side ever since. Its like finding the sun-kissed road to Elysium, where days just keep getting better and dreams just keep growing bigger. I haven't ever felt more at peace with myself and my flaws. My life, the most ordinary one, MY OWN LITTLE LIFE, has never made more sense.

I still have my share of troubles. But now I know its never between me and anyone else, its always between me and him.

Metaphysically, he keeps showing every now and then, in the form of the music I like, the people I adore, the one's who inspire, financial security, the house I live in, the help I get and the very random force that keeps my spirits uplifted.The closest I can get to him/her in flesh and bones is maybe the way I want to see myself and then experience it manifest, followed by Mom-Dad's presence, followed by the risk of sounding ewww-inducing corny and cheesy-Mr.Rights presence.

My relationship with god- Is one of gratitude, for just making me feel, the way I do..


Rahul Bhatia said...

This relationship is all about conveying gratitude for all we have:)

Madhuresh said...

A good read once again! You make me feel about the post as if I am myself thinking about it bit by bit, words by words, as if they are feelings so close to me, my heart... thanks!! :)

Anonymous said...

Umm, interesting thoughts. God is Man's greatest creation. I guess coming to terms with one's flaws is actually coming to terms with God. I am an atheist but still believe that God is in us, in everything that exists, everything we know and can dream of!!!