Monday, November 11, 2013

To Bombay, With Love.

I've loved Bombay;since the very first day I'd stepped into this city.I remember,a feeling of rush swept through me as I stared across the crowded station numbly. Waves of people swarmed around me-choking the platform one minute and leaving it empty in the blink of an eye. I was mesmerized, amused and bewildered- All at the same time.

Only people who've experienced that feeling would know what I'm talking about.  An overwhelming, larger than life sort of an emotion-unique, only to the maximum city.Yes! 


Bombay has dirty roads, traffic jams and oceans of people. It has an air of apathy yet an overwhelming thread of belongingness, severe space crunch yet incredible planes for self-discovery.Yep! That's Bombay for you!

Have you had a chance to gaze across the Mumbai sea face? I close my eyes and glide back to the enormity of those moments of stillness. Peace!
 In the middle of hawkers, honking cars and random people, there was uncanny silence. The strength of rocks, sound of waves and an indescribable vibe in the air.Mysteriously even the air of Mumbai roars of its uniqueness.

I feel stupid and insane to be hung over a city! I don't understand it.Nope! But here I am, trying not to miss it, every single day and yet missing it more with each passing day.

Ouch ouch. 

The torrential rains. Danger lurking at every corner. Stories of deception and betrayal.Crime. I know Bombay can be a nightmare sometimes. But what outshines all the negativity is its gamut of possibilities and endless dreams. The delightful magic in its arms that makes the same dreams come true. Like zap! 

Yea! That's my Bombay. My city of dreams. My haven of freedom. An overpowering source of collective energy-the same energy which is probably known as the spirit of Mumbai.Nothing can match up to it. Not better crowd, not fancier places, not bigger homes, NO-nothing. Maybe because despite its madness, the city has an undying light to it, the city has its own soul-and your body can leave the city. But its soul..

Dude!It wont leave you! 

"It'll shine like a crazy diamond, proudly, with its rising skyscrapers glittering across the infinite sea, passionate people pumping it alive with their zest for living and countless stories echoing across the waves, building up the lights over and over again, till another soul falls madly in love with its mystique aura."

To Bombay,


With Love.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Shadow play.

Playing with a shadow till it turned into a million candles,
Illuminating, burning,dazzling my existence,
Adding fuel to passion, life to staleness,
Reviving, renewing, adding colors to paleness.

Frozen in time, melting in the warmth of the moment,
Destroyed in the pinnacle of an awakening,
Rising from the ashes like phoenix,
What is it that shadows leave in you?
A trailing feeling of companionship,
But only when you turn your back to light,
Only when you look away from empowering might.

Oh my dear shadow, I love you to bits,
But lets disintegrate and merge into one now,
Like a body and soul never apart,
Basking in each other to experience love and art.

What is love without insane desire?
What is passion devoid of fire?
Shatter, break free, embrace sentiments till zero gravity,
Fear shackles us to menial depravity.
Come back to life my dear shadow,
Tear away from the darkness of fear,
You crave for light-so bask in its presence,
Why to shy away in the fear of evanescence.

Lets play the game again my shadow,
Let me mortalise you in my feminine power,
True, raw, real, intense and fiery,
Seep in euphoria amid myriad shooting stars.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

....

From ruins to shambles, howls to rambles,
Shallow teachings, blind preaching,
Cacophony of lies and blunder,
Destruction and mindless plunder,
Claustrophobia, suffocating ties,
Facades and disgusting lies,
I don’t care for your world anymore.

From blinding lights to kisses in the air,
Pretty dresses to a trailing flair,
Decked up suits and stylish boots,
Staid and disgustingly rotten in the roots,
Selfish, unfaithful, dispassionate hearts,
Seemingly close yet miles apart,
I don’t care for your world anymore.

 The devil whistles, wolves cry, pull up your socks or prepare to die.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Being abused in a land of Values and culture..India and sexual violence.

"A bubbly young girl, full of life and energy.She was one of my favorites  I could chat my way into dawn with her without a single dull moment.
Yet. Something about her equation with her Mom disturbed me. There was some emotional turbulence in her that made me very uncomfortable.
Somehow, her fabulous personality and erratic outbursts were too contradictory to be normal.
Then one day, she confided into me a horrendous story of abuse and distrust. She'd been sexually harassed for years by her own Uncle and her Mother refused to believe her. She was instead blamed of making stories and asked to shut-up.


I was left speechless in horror."   


Sunday, September 8, 2013

On dating a rockstar!

OK.So I'd gone to this lounge the other day that looked like a drawing room. It was so small that I could read into everyone's expressions even in the dim light.(:-/)

Besides the point.

In one corner of the lounge was a local band playing. Nothing extraordinary about that except that the band seemed to comprise of people who played for their passion for music.Now nothing extraordinary about that either except that there was this one guy in the band, ordinary corporate types, specs and all, who got my attention. NO.Not because I got a crush at first sight on him but because he was treating his wife in a way, which was ADORABLE! 

Since then, I've been obsessing with the idea of dating a guy who's in a band or something arty like that!

Think about it. Dating a rockstar. The benefits are SO MANY! One, he'll be creative in asking you out. Movie types- sing a song and make you go weak in your knees at the first go. 
Every time you fight with him, HE will be the one making up for the damage. Why? Because its easy for him to say sorry through a tune, No?There would be no power games between you both because the rules of the game are already set. He asks you out. He says sorry. He makes you laugh. He entertains you when you're bored. He takes you to all the cool places in the world and imagination through his music!

So fancy!!!

Oh! And did I miss how special you'd be made to feel all the time? He'll dedicate his music to you every time he performs and you'd always be his inspiration. YAY!

The only deal is that its hard to find a rockstar who  finds inspiration for his music in YOU.Sigh!Sulk Sulk.

Errr... I also forgot that there would be no insecurity issues with him. Why? Because being a rockstar, he would already have women falling all over him, all the time and that means he would be nonchalant about the attention beyond a point. He would also not be the cheater types.Why? Because, he's already had enough and now you have become his inspiration.Hence, its his music and its you. So Romantic!SO Sorted! :D

Being a rockstar makes him inherently passionate and creative. It also makes him dedicated to things he loves by default. So if you're in love with such a guy who's in love with you and also his music, its plain awesomeness! 

Heights of wishful thinking.:-/

Wake up.

But then! On second thoughts,wishful thinking never hurt anyone. Neither did a random blogpost! Did it?

"The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his
entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again... And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart."- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Missing that girl


She was naive as a child,
Her demeanour too mild,
She bothered to much and felt alienated,
Often spoke to herself when disoriented.

She frosted the surface to escape the pain,
Blocking way for any loss but in the barter also gain,
As the ice trickles deeper inside,
Turning too cold even for self to confide,
Its sheer pity and a loss in the winnings,
Victories all the way but tender emotions go missing.

What is life if there's no hurt to humble,
What is love if theirs no surrender to crumble,
Crumble and rise from the ashes again,
Else live feigning with myriad invisible stains.

When pain is missing, it siezes joy too,
When ego is hissing, it takes pride too,
To find yourself you need to be lost,
To live fully you need to love without holding bars,
The wounds and scars make it worthwhile,
Trusting the universe is the secret of life.

As I write today, I miss that girl,
Miss that girl so hard to find,
That girl who lived with arms wide open,
Lived in the truth of every word spoken.

Its hard but I'll find her again,
Because vulnerable she was but also pristine,
I miss her unadulterated self,
I miss her warmth and her care,
That girl she's lurking somewhere around,
Waiting for me to embrace her when found.


Monday, August 5, 2013

On Fearing Fear.

Gasping for breath with an enormous sense of despair engulfing your entire being, dragging you into nothingness…
Have you felt it?
OR
Are you too afraid to even feel it?
You can run, hide and live in denial but fear will chase and haunt you in different forms till you choose to look straight into its face, get hurt by it, hold onto it and discover an antidote. Damn it! SUCH is fear.
As a child, I was always afraid of ghosts in the dark. I would imagine silhouettes staring at me from corners. Once everyone fell asleep, getting up to drink water from the fridge would be my biggest act of courage. Then Mom told me one day,”Esha. Sit in the drawing room alone in the darkness and wait for the ghosts. If they come to get you, call out to me.” I waited, my heart beating fast, feeling the urge to run back into Moms room or switch on the light. I waited and waited in terror until I slept off.
I din’t find the ghosts, but there was something else that I found.
I found: A way out of my fear.
Since then, I seldom feel afraid of darkness or ghosts.
Fear is a bitch. It can haunt you in myriad forms. Fear of losing someone you love, someone’s attention,your job,going bankrupt,being insignificant,getting hurt, falling in love, being heart broken,betrayed,conned,rejected and oh, the list is endless! Fear is daunting and its forms are innumerable.

F.E.A.R

I’ve felt it all my life. At times its healthy pushing me to do bigger things, at other times it becomes unhealthy pulling me into stagnant decay. There are times when this fear becomes so intense that the feeling is similar to drowning in an ocean, helplessly. 
But always, like a miracle, a life jacket of family, friends and sometimes complete strangers appear to save me.Bingo!

I think fear is as much a part of my being as happiness. It will follow me till the end of time. One day I’ll stop feeling afraid for myself but it’ll get replaced by a fear for my family and children (someday :p). There’s no escaping it completely. So why avoid it at all? How about experiencing it till you reach a point where the only way forward is healing?
I’ve seen people living on the streets who have nothing to lose. They look miserable from outside but as you go closer, you’ll find that their lives are way more emancipated than ours in many ways. They have their peculiarities and miseries but one thing common in most of them is a sense of courage and pride.
Maybe, we just need to stop fearing fear and plunge into moments head-on. It would unleash a sea of opportunities for us to explore and experience. It would help us discover our real selves without being cornered into wearing masquerades to meet expectations set by others.
This season, I’ll have a fiesta with fear and glorify the interesting feelings associated with it.
I think, if there was no fear to overcome, the word bravery and perseverance would lose meaning. What do you think? Is it fear OR the fear of fear that we need to defeat and touch the zenith of our being? 
  
“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”  ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Monday, July 22, 2013

Random.Rendezvous

"This conversation makes me comfortable because there's nothing to take-away from it."

I'm forgetting the date and time of the year when an acquaintance said this to me in the middle of an absolutely aimless conversation. We just chatted for hours, talking about books, ideas, randomness and life. There was absolutely no agenda and yet etched a mark in my memory as well as blog drafts.

If I was to be even slightly coy or suspicious that day, I would have lost on an immensely delightful tete-a-tete.

Unfortunately, most of the time we're haunted by inexplicable complexes and assumptions.

Complex number 1 : If someone is being friendly or nice randomly, there HAS to be a hidden propaganda. No-one can be nice to you for the sake of humanity or pleasantness. No! Life can't be so simple, Come-on! Lets complicate it and dig into the hidden agenda. If there's none- create one in your own imagination.

Complex number 2 : A romeo alert starts ringing in our head as soon as someone from the opposite sex tries being friendly.This is sadly rampant in women.The "I'm so hot and everyone is after me syndrome"! Heylo Ladies!A lot of times, people want to spend time with you because you're smart,engaging and can pull off a repartee effortlessly.Its not always about sleaze. And men!A girl smiling back at you is not a signal to turn into a lizard and creep her out. Seriously!

There is something called harmless/innocent flirting.Its fun and healthy. Its important for everyone to be aware of this phenomenon;understand and enjoy it instead of getting analytic and intense. Its stupid to over-think and read too much into innocuous interactions.

Anyway.

These two complexes are strong enough to deprive most people from having a good time. How can we ever be breezy and carefree if we're perpetually bogged by the weights of our own pompous and cagey selves?

I've been an over-the-top guarded person myself and I confess it has taken me nowhere.

Trusting blindly can hurt but not trusting hurts a lot more.I would rather trust,take a few chances and get hurt occasionally rather than missing out on so many interesting encounters in the fear of going wrong . Sometimes, the most unexpected conversations and people can bring a brand new feeling of joy into your life.

When you have nothing to take-away from a conversation, no-one to judge you for what you said and no clue of what you are talking about- what you get is moments of peace and thoughts to carry for times to come. It makes you secure in some ways too. I can't pick a reason and say why, but it gives some sense of security. Maybe, the revelation that there's so much more to explore.

Also, chilling without a scheme, no expectations emotionally or physically is liberating, it makes you feel desirable in a cerebral sort of a way.

How many fascinating people have you let pass your life without striking that engrossing conversation you might have had, only if you weren't so judgmental about yourself and others?

You'd be astonished to find the number of riveting experiences you might have missed.

Next time, maybe you could just go with the flow and engage with a person for the joy of their company.Regardless of their age,sex and social status. Let the intent be pure indulgence- in the moment-in a conversation-for the joy of exploring someone's world through a magical journey of words-making the rendezvous truly memorable.



Monday, May 13, 2013

On 'Public' Display of Affection




Facebook has changed the face of social networking. It takes everything to a new level altogether; protests, celebrations,disasters,awareness,relationships and also despicable behavior. I’ve lately noticed an array of strong messages on “Why emotions SHOULD-NOT be expressed on a public forum” spamming my timeline. Now that puzzles me and puzzles me terribly. Being acerbic about other’s showing love is conventional but people illustrating love publicly is questionable. Why so, my dear bunch of judgmental critics?
How does a “personal message on a public platform” dilute the strength or sincerity of anyone’s emotions?  Being ultra-clever and sarcastically posting updates in the lines of “I would never express my love on fb” only makes you unpleasant and disparaging. Errrmmmmm. I secretly feel like giving these people a high-five on their face.
This disdainful attitude is annoying. What joy could a mordant update on the world’s celebratory mood bring to you? Mother’s day, Sister’s day, Friendship’s Day, Valentine’s Day- They might not be the most ‘deep’ or ‘passionate’ way to celebrate love but they are pleasant! A perfect opportunity to break the ice, mend bridges and say little nothings to people who’re significant in one’s life. What could be wrong in having one such day when everyone collectively sends out positive messages across their entire network of friends? What can be wrong in people posting lovely messages and photographs with mother’s on facebook on “mother’s day”? It's a gesture that is heart-melting and over-whelming if you ask me. Being embraced on a public platform through a simple message! I would love to be acknowledged as special on a public platform by family, friends and loved ones. What could be wrong in that? The answer evades me. Also, what inconvenience does it cause to the “cool one’s” on planet earth?
You can have your unique ways of being expressive. For all anyone cares, you can choose not to express at all! But why on earth would you post punitive messages about other people being affable? Collective celebration brings immense joy. The power of togetherness charges up the atmosphere in a way that’s euphoric. Questioning that collective energy and positivity is simply rude and weird.
If you prefer showing love silently you rather keep your unpleasant discontentment about “others” also silent. What say! A win-win for everyone!
It’s extremely vexing to see dry wistful “know-it-all” updates in the lines of “If I loved someone it won’t be on facebook”. Derogatory!
Life would be a lot simpler if we quit conniving and being judgmental towards other people. Who is happy and who’s pretending to be happy is ‘their’ business and minding its authenticity is certainly not yours. Sharing love is beautiful and the modes could be many. In my opinion, expressing a gratitude or affection is a person’s biggest gift to the world and anyone who thinks otherwise is a cynic.
On this note, Here's a toast to the most wonderful woman on planet earth! My lover, my soul-mate and the core of my strength! Happy Mother’s Day Mommy!
I hope that doesn't weaken my feelings for my Mom.Yes? Critics!?


Saturday, March 16, 2013

Delicious Ambiguity


I’m in a phase of life which can be stamped and sealed into being the most uncertain and important period of my life. The dramatic, life-altering sorts! Yeah! :-/  
 
Who else is going through this phase? Come-on, hands-up people! I’ll find peace in knowing there are more souls dealing with the similar issues as me.Even my horoscope talks about big changes this year. Partner change, career change, home change or zeeeeeeee- maybe country change! Country change would be near death for me!Also, you don’t have to judge me for being beaconed by online horoscopes. Even you can try,it’s fun!

 I’ve been sulking, cribbing, whining and obsessing with all the uncertainty in my life for a while now. I’d promised myself a few years back that I’ll never compromise on “how I feel” about people, places, perceptions and career. The whole world including my family and friends might oppose my decisions but I’ll pursue things that draw me intuitively. This innate drive has never let me down in the bigger picture. It starts with an unsettling, challenging feeling but always transcends me to unparalleled joy. Experiences money can’t buy! Priceless!
The worst we can do to ourselves and the people we love is to dissuade them from chasing their dreams for the comfort of ‘perceived certainty’. Following your heart is tough but the only way to be “yours truly”. It allows life to squeeze your hands for encouragement as you trace your destiny. THAT squeeze! THAT comfort! THAT familiar unfamiliarity! Being consummated by each moment in its entirety and letting it pierce through your very being till you become one with each other. Badaboom! THAT moment! The feeling just clips you into itself and lets you experience the paramount. Yearning, sulking, whining, anger and rage have their own charisma. You get pleasure from them sometimes. No? I’m not sure if I make sense, but I get a kick out of these emotions every once in a while.

 The going gets tough sometimes. Luck is a bitch sometimes. Things go haywire sometimes.                                              
  The catch is “sometimes”

“Every time I’m struck by trouble, the ‘certain’ side of me sinks into depression while the ‘uncertain’ side starts fluttering in the anticipation of something exciting!!”
Chasing certainty only makes life incomplete and bland. The security of your job turns into complacence and eventually boredom if a slight push of disturbance doesn’t make you reinvent. Your relationship/marriage cannot give you overwhelming pleasure and unparalleled security unless you rediscover love and friendship between each other everyday. 

Nothing is certain unless it FEELS right at this moment. After moderating a feisty debate between my uncertain and certain side, I’ve decided to embrace the uncertainty of future to rekindle the spark in my present. 
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Are you living a Delusion?



My friend recently broke-up with her muse of several years. I use the word muse because the illusion of perfect love rapidly paled away when an uncertain concept turned into a concrete real experience. To put things simply, she was committed “in her head” for a couple of years before the relationship started and ended officially in a span of a few months.

It came as a surprise but not shock to me.

One, because I’ve started finding beautiful girls like her getting stuck in what “they think is perfect love” amusing and two, because I’ve realized if a relationship is dormant and not taken to the next level at the right time, people start playing mind games and sub-consciously turn it into a mission. Once feelings turn into a mission, they last only till the mission is accomplished.No?

Don’t you think most of us in emotionally wrecking relationships are killing time brutally? Although, I endorse being patient and letting the moment pass in most cases; if the turbulence extends to anything beyond a week something is certainly wrong. Unrequited love creates an illusion making you mistake it for some metaphysical soul connection. Reality-check! Connections aren’t one-sided. Please! 

You are just getting trapped in your own web of ‘supposed’ commitment while there’s no meat in real life. The fights/make-ups, ego tussles, turbulent romance- are mostly ‘in your head’.
Deal with the apparitions of your imagination and get over them, I say! Or else, get batman to help you. *Eyerolls*

Get your timing right. Emotional health is imperative, really! No sad depressing music please? No shopping sprees please? No over-eating and bloating please? No finding yourself in movies and sitcoms either please? No clinging on to the guy and taking his bullshit in the name of love please? Act Selfish till you find someone who keeps you above his/her ego. Till then it’s NOT love, Ladies. And gentlemen *Cough*

You’re born to be happy, look good, dress well, stay fit, earn good money, get pampered and spread love! Don’t turn into a lousy slouch ever in the name of love. Its kickass to be a rebel with a cause, to give a fck to egomaniacs and philanderers and live it up to the fullest!

When its your time to love- it will be effortless and profuse. Your fears and insecurities will dissolve by themselves. You’ll be laughing with that person when the whole world seems to be a bitch!
A deep sense of security and companionship is love. I can’t be sure, but I think it incites a sense of deep faith and joy. It is comforting, secure and refreshing.

 “Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy ,it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong things. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.- Corinthians 13:4- 8a

Monday, January 21, 2013

On being a Control Freak

“Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.”- Claire Lewicki

I’ve realized that a lot of us tend to be in control of emotions and relationships all the time. We’re consumed by this need to communicate and sort things to a degree which is sickening.

The point is, love and ownership are two different concepts. For some reason we seem to mix-up the two royally. Come-onnn, Face it. If you want to share everything about yourself with someone and expect to know everything about them, it’s just spooky fixation!

Sharing is wonderful only if the lack of it doesn't cause paranoia. Otherwise it becomes a compulsive disorder.
                                                                                                              
This state is not just arduous but also dangerously unhealthy. You perennially set standards and try meeting the one’s set for you.There’s nothing new or exciting left to explore in the relationship after a point. It’s tedious, staid and guarantees boredom. There’s more reflection and hardly reflex action.
                                                
I remember being a freak myself, bogged by a need to clarify all my actions at one point in time.  I now realize, it's the worst form of dodgery into unhappiness.

Complete transparency all the time is not humanly possible! There are times when we aren’t even sure of how we feel and being burdened with forced communication is just toxic!

Push some things under the carpet, let some emotions just pass, let some mistakes just be experiences and let people be themselves. Enjoy people for who they are instead of wasting energy creating the artists sketch in your head.

A beautiful example of a control-freak now in tune with people she loves is my friend D. She sorts issues by letting go when needed, loves people by allowing them to evolve their way, stands by them without questions and has grown sturdily herself by living in the moment!

If you want to enjoy looking at the mirror and the person who stares back at you, you have to make the best out of your present. You have to stop brooding over managing others all the time in the name of love. You have to go with the flow and love people with that free spirit.

You need to be free. To be able to love
                                                           
“You can't control other people. If you try to, you give all your freedom to them.” Sam Haines