Monday, August 5, 2013

On Fearing Fear.

Gasping for breath with an enormous sense of despair engulfing your entire being, dragging you into nothingness…
Have you felt it?
Are you too afraid to even feel it?
You can run, hide and live in denial but fear will chase and haunt you in different forms till you choose to look straight into its face, get hurt by it, hold onto it and discover an antidote. Damn it! SUCH is fear.
As a child, I was always afraid of ghosts in the dark. I would imagine silhouettes staring at me from corners. Once everyone fell asleep, getting up to drink water from the fridge would be my biggest act of courage. Then Mom told me one day,”Esha. Sit in the drawing room alone in the darkness and wait for the ghosts. If they come to get you, call out to me.” I waited, my heart beating fast, feeling the urge to run back into Moms room or switch on the light. I waited and waited in terror until I slept off.
I din’t find the ghosts, but there was something else that I found.
I found: A way out of my fear.
Since then, I seldom feel afraid of darkness or ghosts.
Fear is a bitch. It can haunt you in myriad forms. Fear of losing someone you love, someone’s attention,your job,going bankrupt,being insignificant,getting hurt, falling in love, being heart broken,betrayed,conned,rejected and oh, the list is endless! Fear is daunting and its forms are innumerable.


I’ve felt it all my life. At times its healthy pushing me to do bigger things, at other times it becomes unhealthy pulling me into stagnant decay. There are times when this fear becomes so intense that the feeling is similar to drowning in an ocean, helplessly. 
But always, like a miracle, a life jacket of family, friends and sometimes complete strangers appear to save me.Bingo!

I think fear is as much a part of my being as happiness. It will follow me till the end of time. One day I’ll stop feeling afraid for myself but it’ll get replaced by a fear for my family and children (someday :p). There’s no escaping it completely. So why avoid it at all? How about experiencing it till you reach a point where the only way forward is healing?
I’ve seen people living on the streets who have nothing to lose. They look miserable from outside but as you go closer, you’ll find that their lives are way more emancipated than ours in many ways. They have their peculiarities and miseries but one thing common in most of them is a sense of courage and pride.
Maybe, we just need to stop fearing fear and plunge into moments head-on. It would unleash a sea of opportunities for us to explore and experience. It would help us discover our real selves without being cornered into wearing masquerades to meet expectations set by others.
This season, I’ll have a fiesta with fear and glorify the interesting feelings associated with it.
I think, if there was no fear to overcome, the word bravery and perseverance would lose meaning. What do you think? Is it fear OR the fear of fear that we need to defeat and touch the zenith of our being? 
“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”  ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

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